wondering if I really tried everything I could (OPEN)

[conceded]

WHO: Kondou Isami, possibly you!
WHAT: A lost Shinsengumi commander in a Resistance Army camp
WHERE: Resistance Army camp
WARNING(S): Probably just bucketloads of angst.

[The first confusing thing that Kondou had noticed was that, well- he had woken up at all. Not to mention that on top of it, he had no idea where he was. Whether those that resided in the camp were friend or foe was something that he needed to find out before going any further. The tent he’d woken up in didn’t seem to be guarded, so he cautiously made his way outside to try and see if he could figure out what was going on.

… Which just meant that there was now a very confused man standing in the middle of camp. At the first sight of someone who he could approach for questions, Kondou made his way over.]

Ahh, I’m sorry to bother you with something so trivial, but…

Comments

[conceded]

[If he remembers - and judging by the look on his face, he must remember - then his sacrifice can't have been in vain. And that makes the pain a little easier to deal with. Unfortunately it's not as though there's much he can say to Hijikata to make him feel any better. Most of the words are sticking in his throat, anyway.

... so instead he reaches out for Hijikata's hand, squeezing it gently. It's warm, and solid-- he's safe. That was all that Kondou had ever wanted to ensure, and now the proof was right here in front of him.

Despite himself, the smile brightens a little more.]

Don't tell me you've been going around frowning like that this whole time.

[hakodate]

[That gentle squeeze is met with a deathgrip - as if Hijikata's afraid that if he lets go, he'll lose him. Again.

(It isn't too far from the truth.)

The tears are still welling up in his eyes, but if there's one person in the world Hijikata can cry in front of, it's Kondou. Kondou is everything to him. He entrusted Kondou with his hopes, his dreams, his ambition. His life.

After all of that, what more is a few tears?

Still, the words are enough to prompt him to try to find a smile - sad, strained, as if it's a physical struggle to remember how to form the expression - but despite that, there's still something genuine in it.]

Haven't been. Can't afford to. Who'd want to follow a commander like that?

[Kondou was always the charisma, the magnetic personality that drew people in. The one people liked. Hijikata was the balance to that, by necessity - the enforcer, the one to make the unpopular decisions, the iron fist behind the velvet glove. The demon. But with Kondou gone, he's felt like half a leader, and the Shinsengumi deserves better than that.

Hijikata doesn't know if he can ever be that. But he's trying.]

[conceded]

[The tears don’t escape Kondou’s notice, though at first he’s not entirely sure what else to do aside from squeeze Hijikata’s hand in turn. Good thing he’s already incredibly reluctant to let go of him, because that expression causes a pang in his chest. He shouldn’t have to force a smile for Kondou’s sake – he shouldn’t be so miserable that it doesn’t come naturally.

(And even a man like Hijikata can smile sometimes. Kondou can vouch for that, even if most of the time it seems to be during moments that they’ve spent together.)

Though he’s still smiling, he can’t help but sigh at Hijikata’s words, shaking his head.]

The men will always follow you, Toshi. Just don’t forget that you don’t have to take on everything by yourself.

[Of course, that’s something that is never going to change, no matter how much he might have wished it. Hijikata had always tried to do everything himself, to ensure the Shinsengumi’s success – and in fact, Kondou’s own as well. If he was successful at that, then what was stopping him from leading the Shinsengumi successfully too?]

Are any of the others here, or are you alone?

[hakodate]

[Happiness feels further off with every person he leaves behind, whether through death or through a simple parting of ways. But that feels like too much to tell Kondou, too much to weigh him down with in a moment like this. Kondou gave up everything so that Hijikata could live.

Hijikata doesn't know how to tell him that no matter how far he's led the men they have left, and no matter that he understands that he can't thoughtlessly spend his life now, for the sake of what remains of the Shinsengumi - despite that, he still looks to the future and he can't see anything for himself, not without Kondou there.]

Souji's here. So is Saitou, and I saw Heisuke around.

[conceded]

[That certainly isn't a bad number - Kondou hopes that they haven't given him too many headaches since they've been stuck in this strange world, although the location itself probably gives him enough to worry about as it is.]

I hope that I'm not keeping you from anything, Toshi. I'm sure you're a busy man, even in a place like this.

[hakodate]

Come on, Kondou-san. You really think I wouldn't find a way to make time for you?

[This time, at least, there's no self-derision in the sarcasm. He pauses to swipe at his eyes with the back of his free hand.]

[conceded]

Of course you would, Toshi, but there's probably more important things you could be doing.

[Don't mind if he reaches over and brushes the rest of those tears away.]

[hakodate]

More important than you? And here I thought you knew me better than that.

[conceded]

Me, know better? I'd like to think so. When it comes to most things, at least.

[He can't help but laugh at that, though it's a little sheepish.]

[hakodate]

[Hearing Kondou laugh makes a part of him want to just break down right there. How long has been since they could all just - laugh, and honestly mean it, and not know that in a few seconds the moment would pass and they would back to be staring despair in the face?

He won't break down, not now. But sometimes he's not sure if it's because he won't allow himself or because he's just too tired to find the energy to do it.

Still - being at Kondou's side again is revitalizing even as it's a reminder of just how far they've come and how drained he is. He's refreshed and he's exhausted, he's happy and he's sad - he hadn't realized just how many emotions he could feel at once. He couldn't say how he feels if he were asked to explain, but as he looks at that smile again...he decides that for now, he'll try to just stick to happy and worry about the rest later.

He hasn't had much to be happy about in a long time, after all.]

Why don't we sit down, Kondou-san?

[He steers them over to a quiet corner - as quiet as anything is in the camp, anyway - flagging down a random soldier on the way to request some goddamned tea.]

[conceded]

Sit... down?

[He blinks for a moment, confused-- and then realises that it doesn't matter that he just woke up from what felt like a long sleep, in someone else's tent no less, he was feeling rather exhausted. Though perhaps that was more emotionally speaking than anything. Perhaps Hijikata was also feeling the same way to some extent, so taking a little break likely wouldn't hurt either of them.

Besides, how could he possibly pass up the opportunity to spend more time with Hijikata? Answer: he never really has been able to deny his dearest friend anything.

So he just smiles, as always, and lets Hijikata tug him along-- as always.]

Looking out for me again, Toshi? I'm beginning to wonder just how lost I'd be if you didn't.

[hakodate]

[Lost. Ha.

No more lost than Hijikata's felt without him, he's sure.]

You were always the one who knew where we were going.

[Hijikata was just the one who knew how to find the path there. Or he thought he did.

In the end, he fought to find them a way, to make them a way when the world didn't want to give them one, and despite all of that, it didn't lead them to anything at all. Hijikata fought tooth and nail to climb that hill because he thought they'd reach Kondou's dream at the end...only to find himself standing at the top of an empty hill alone with no idea where he was supposed to go.

He's still moving. He just doesn't know where he's going anymore.]

[conceded]

I've never been able to get there without you, Toshi. You know that as well as I do. Like a traveller would be lost without a map.

[There is no way that he would have gotten to where he was today-- or where he was while he was alive, at least, without Hijikata by his side. He had always been the one to push for things when Kondou couldn't bring himself to. He'd make a better leader of the Shinsengumi, that was something that Kondou had faith in.

And yet fate had brought him to Hijikata's side once again, somehow. It wasn't an opportunity that he was prepared to pass up.]

[hakodate]

[The tea's arrived by then, and Hijikata seizes on the momentary distraction, passing a cup over to Kondou before curling his hands around his own cup and staring into its depths.

He hadn't been able to get Kondou there, in the end. Not in a way that mattered. By the time the shogun gave him his title, everything was already falling apart at the seams, and it had just been a way to get them out of the way so the gutless bastards who didn't have the balls to stand their ground could surrender -

A long, quiet sigh escapes him. Wasn't he trying not to think about this?]

Without you, I don't know where I'm going.

[conceded]

[At those words, he can't help but feel a pang of guilt, though for the moment he puts off responding so that he can have a sip of his tea. Tea was always a good distraction from everything that was bothering him. Still, he knew that Hijikata deserved a proper response.

It was his fault that Hijikata was feeling this way, after all. And yet Kondou hadn't been able to force himself to choose another path. In the end, he had thought that the choice he made would be best for all of them.

He'd already made too many mistakes. Was this simply another one to add to the pile?]

For the moment, at least, I don't plan on going anywhere. So together we'll be able to figure out what we're doing. Right, Toshi?

[hakodate]

[Typical Kondou. Even when everything's fallen apart around them, even when he must still be trying to recover from the realization that he just died - he just...smiles and says it'll be fine, and Hijikata can't help but believe him, even though he knows better.]

...yeah. Yeah, we will.

[conceded]

That's what I like to hear. This camp is really quite something, isn't it?

[He can't dwell too much on his death, not while Hijikata's around. The fact that he's here, still breathing and seemingly in good shape just helps to justify his decision. As long as he's safe, any price is worth it.]

[hakodate]

I never thought I'd see anything like this.

[And the first thing he'd thought, when he started talking to people, catching wind of just who some of them were -]

I'm glad you're here to see it.

[He can't think of a person alive who would appreciate this more than Kondou.]

[conceded]

I just hope they don't mind me asking too many questions. I mean, history's finest, all together in one place! Toshi, it's amazing!

[The prospect excites him. Hopefully he doesn't make too much of a fool of himself when talking to them.]

[hakodate]

[There's nothing that makes Hijikata happy like seeing Kondou happy, and despite everything, he has to smile.]

Makes me wonder when I'm going to wake up, sometimes.

[Hopefully not for a long time, now that Kondou's here.]

[conceded]

Do you think it's all a dream?

[Maybe it is. Maybe there's no way that he's actually here, getting to see Hijikata again. It could be wishful thinking, or a trick of the mind. And yet--]

I hope it isn't.

[hakodate]

I don't know.

[It seems like too much to be believed, but at the same time, the idea that he'd dream about this is almost just as ridiculous, when he can't remember the last dream he had that wasn't full of blood and death and losing one of his comrades all over again.

Or all of them, on the bad nights.]

I hope not.

[conceded]

... It'll work out somehow.

[Most of the time it tends to, doesn't it? But right now, all considered, he doesn't feel as though he can say that much.

It wouldn't feel right.

Instead he leans over and places a hand on Hijikata's shoulder, squeezing it gently.]

You don't have to go it alone this time, Toshi.

[hakodate]

[He looks up from his tea again when he feels that hand on his shoulder, tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.

There are so many things he could say to Kondou - so many things he wants to put into words. About how Kondou is the most important thing in his life, about how he's felt lost since losing him, about how he keeps going because if he dies, the Shinsengumi dies, and Kondou's dream dies with them. About how he keeps going solely for that, about how he's promised that he won't die until the Shinsengumi does...but after that, he just doesn't know.

He doesn't say any of that.]

Thanks.

[conceded]

I ... am sorry.

[For everything. For leaving him with such a heavy burden when he already had so many other things to concern himself with, for not being a good leader, for not being able to support Hijikata when he needed it. When he had needed Kondou the most, Kondou had failed him. The Shinsengumi had started to fall apart, and so he'd made amends in the only way that he knew how.

He wanted Hijikata to be able to move on, even if it was without him.]