wondering if I really tried everything I could (OPEN)

[conceded]

WHO: Kondou Isami, possibly you!
WHAT: A lost Shinsengumi commander in a Resistance Army camp
WHERE: Resistance Army camp
WARNING(S): Probably just bucketloads of angst.

[The first confusing thing that Kondou had noticed was that, well- he had woken up at all. Not to mention that on top of it, he had no idea where he was. Whether those that resided in the camp were friend or foe was something that he needed to find out before going any further. The tent he’d woken up in didn’t seem to be guarded, so he cautiously made his way outside to try and see if he could figure out what was going on.

… Which just meant that there was now a very confused man standing in the middle of camp. At the first sight of someone who he could approach for questions, Kondou made his way over.]

Ahh, I’m sorry to bother you with something so trivial, but…

Comments

[conceded]

Of course you would, Toshi, but there's probably more important things you could be doing.

[Don't mind if he reaches over and brushes the rest of those tears away.]

[hakodate]

More important than you? And here I thought you knew me better than that.

[conceded]

Me, know better? I'd like to think so. When it comes to most things, at least.

[He can't help but laugh at that, though it's a little sheepish.]

[hakodate]

[Hearing Kondou laugh makes a part of him want to just break down right there. How long has been since they could all just - laugh, and honestly mean it, and not know that in a few seconds the moment would pass and they would back to be staring despair in the face?

He won't break down, not now. But sometimes he's not sure if it's because he won't allow himself or because he's just too tired to find the energy to do it.

Still - being at Kondou's side again is revitalizing even as it's a reminder of just how far they've come and how drained he is. He's refreshed and he's exhausted, he's happy and he's sad - he hadn't realized just how many emotions he could feel at once. He couldn't say how he feels if he were asked to explain, but as he looks at that smile again...he decides that for now, he'll try to just stick to happy and worry about the rest later.

He hasn't had much to be happy about in a long time, after all.]

Why don't we sit down, Kondou-san?

[He steers them over to a quiet corner - as quiet as anything is in the camp, anyway - flagging down a random soldier on the way to request some goddamned tea.]

[conceded]

Sit... down?

[He blinks for a moment, confused-- and then realises that it doesn't matter that he just woke up from what felt like a long sleep, in someone else's tent no less, he was feeling rather exhausted. Though perhaps that was more emotionally speaking than anything. Perhaps Hijikata was also feeling the same way to some extent, so taking a little break likely wouldn't hurt either of them.

Besides, how could he possibly pass up the opportunity to spend more time with Hijikata? Answer: he never really has been able to deny his dearest friend anything.

So he just smiles, as always, and lets Hijikata tug him along-- as always.]

Looking out for me again, Toshi? I'm beginning to wonder just how lost I'd be if you didn't.

[hakodate]

[Lost. Ha.

No more lost than Hijikata's felt without him, he's sure.]

You were always the one who knew where we were going.

[Hijikata was just the one who knew how to find the path there. Or he thought he did.

In the end, he fought to find them a way, to make them a way when the world didn't want to give them one, and despite all of that, it didn't lead them to anything at all. Hijikata fought tooth and nail to climb that hill because he thought they'd reach Kondou's dream at the end...only to find himself standing at the top of an empty hill alone with no idea where he was supposed to go.

He's still moving. He just doesn't know where he's going anymore.]

[conceded]

I've never been able to get there without you, Toshi. You know that as well as I do. Like a traveller would be lost without a map.

[There is no way that he would have gotten to where he was today-- or where he was while he was alive, at least, without Hijikata by his side. He had always been the one to push for things when Kondou couldn't bring himself to. He'd make a better leader of the Shinsengumi, that was something that Kondou had faith in.

And yet fate had brought him to Hijikata's side once again, somehow. It wasn't an opportunity that he was prepared to pass up.]

[hakodate]

[The tea's arrived by then, and Hijikata seizes on the momentary distraction, passing a cup over to Kondou before curling his hands around his own cup and staring into its depths.

He hadn't been able to get Kondou there, in the end. Not in a way that mattered. By the time the shogun gave him his title, everything was already falling apart at the seams, and it had just been a way to get them out of the way so the gutless bastards who didn't have the balls to stand their ground could surrender -

A long, quiet sigh escapes him. Wasn't he trying not to think about this?]

Without you, I don't know where I'm going.

[conceded]

[At those words, he can't help but feel a pang of guilt, though for the moment he puts off responding so that he can have a sip of his tea. Tea was always a good distraction from everything that was bothering him. Still, he knew that Hijikata deserved a proper response.

It was his fault that Hijikata was feeling this way, after all. And yet Kondou hadn't been able to force himself to choose another path. In the end, he had thought that the choice he made would be best for all of them.

He'd already made too many mistakes. Was this simply another one to add to the pile?]

For the moment, at least, I don't plan on going anywhere. So together we'll be able to figure out what we're doing. Right, Toshi?

[hakodate]

[Typical Kondou. Even when everything's fallen apart around them, even when he must still be trying to recover from the realization that he just died - he just...smiles and says it'll be fine, and Hijikata can't help but believe him, even though he knows better.]

...yeah. Yeah, we will.

[conceded]

That's what I like to hear. This camp is really quite something, isn't it?

[He can't dwell too much on his death, not while Hijikata's around. The fact that he's here, still breathing and seemingly in good shape just helps to justify his decision. As long as he's safe, any price is worth it.]

[hakodate]

I never thought I'd see anything like this.

[And the first thing he'd thought, when he started talking to people, catching wind of just who some of them were -]

I'm glad you're here to see it.

[He can't think of a person alive who would appreciate this more than Kondou.]

[conceded]

I just hope they don't mind me asking too many questions. I mean, history's finest, all together in one place! Toshi, it's amazing!

[The prospect excites him. Hopefully he doesn't make too much of a fool of himself when talking to them.]

[hakodate]

[There's nothing that makes Hijikata happy like seeing Kondou happy, and despite everything, he has to smile.]

Makes me wonder when I'm going to wake up, sometimes.

[Hopefully not for a long time, now that Kondou's here.]

[conceded]

Do you think it's all a dream?

[Maybe it is. Maybe there's no way that he's actually here, getting to see Hijikata again. It could be wishful thinking, or a trick of the mind. And yet--]

I hope it isn't.

[hakodate]

I don't know.

[It seems like too much to be believed, but at the same time, the idea that he'd dream about this is almost just as ridiculous, when he can't remember the last dream he had that wasn't full of blood and death and losing one of his comrades all over again.

Or all of them, on the bad nights.]

I hope not.

[conceded]

... It'll work out somehow.

[Most of the time it tends to, doesn't it? But right now, all considered, he doesn't feel as though he can say that much.

It wouldn't feel right.

Instead he leans over and places a hand on Hijikata's shoulder, squeezing it gently.]

You don't have to go it alone this time, Toshi.

[hakodate]

[He looks up from his tea again when he feels that hand on his shoulder, tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.

There are so many things he could say to Kondou - so many things he wants to put into words. About how Kondou is the most important thing in his life, about how he's felt lost since losing him, about how he keeps going because if he dies, the Shinsengumi dies, and Kondou's dream dies with them. About how he keeps going solely for that, about how he's promised that he won't die until the Shinsengumi does...but after that, he just doesn't know.

He doesn't say any of that.]

Thanks.

[conceded]

I ... am sorry.

[For everything. For leaving him with such a heavy burden when he already had so many other things to concern himself with, for not being a good leader, for not being able to support Hijikata when he needed it. When he had needed Kondou the most, Kondou had failed him. The Shinsengumi had started to fall apart, and so he'd made amends in the only way that he knew how.

He wanted Hijikata to be able to move on, even if it was without him.]

[hakodate]

[No. That's not even what he wants to hear. If anything, that's just worse.]

You don't ever owe me an apology, Kondou-san.

[He chose to support Kondou. He chose to let go of his own dream and entrust it to him, and support Kondou with everything he had. And he's never regretted any of that, not for a moment.

The only regrets Hijikata has are that he himself couldn't make things go right. Kondou, in his eyes, is blameless.]

[conceded]

You're as stubborn as ever. Strangely, I'm relieved to see it.

[He laughs weakly. To be honest, he doesn't feel particularly inclined to argue the point with Hijikata, even though he doesn't agree with him. Kondou believes that what he did was right, but that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about the effect that it likely had on his dearest friend.]

[hakodate]

Can't really get upset with you for wanting me to live without sounding like a total asshole, can I?

[His own laugh is just as weak, and so is the attempt at a joke - but it's true enough. All Hijikata wanted was to give Kondou everything. And when he was fully prepared to throw his life away and make a stand there so that Kondou can live on...he can't really judge his friend for wanting to do the same, can he?

He doesn't have to agree with it. But he can't judge it.]

[conceded]

... I think I can handle your temper. You can't be much worse than Souji's sister, you know.

[And they were both terrified of her. But Kondou is serious- if Hijikata wants to let his frustrations out, isn't now the best time to do so? It's not as though they have any time left to them in their own world, after all.

This might be the last chance that they have for anything.]

[hakodate]

Yelling at you is just going to make us both feel like shit.

[He'd done enough yelling before he agreed to leave him. It hadn't changed anything then, and it won't change anything now.

If anything, he just felt worse about it, when it was all over. That he'd lost his temper that badly in the first place, that he'd spent what would've been his last chance to speak to Kondou getting upset at him for - for wanting to save his life?

He sighs.]

...I'm not mad at you, Kondou-san.

[Mad at himself, yes. Mad at the officials who'd met his pleas with deaf ears, the people who he'd needed to help him get leniency for Kondou and who had failed, yes. Mad at the entire goddamned world for putting them in a situation where the only way out was for one of them to die, yes.

But even if he couldn't see it in the heat of the moment, couldn't accept that there was any reason why it should be Kondou to die there rather than him...

He understands what Kondou wanted, now. He'll never agree. He'll never think that Kondou didn't deserve to be the one who walked away.

But he understands.]

[conceded]

Even if you don't agree with what I did? I-- don't need you to agree. I just hope that you understand.

[ As long as he did, then that was the important thing to Kondou. Nothing else mattered as long as Hijikata understood that Kondou wanted for him to be safe, that he was hoping beyond hope that even without him around, Hijikata could move on and make something of himself.

That he could carry on both of their dreams. That he would succeed as commander where Kondou had failed. In the end, he knew that he'd lost sight of his ideals. The fact that the Shinsengumi had crumbled was perhaps evidence of that. ]

... I didn't think I'd ever get the opportunity to explain myself this way.