wondering if I really tried everything I could (OPEN)

[conceded]

WHO: Kondou Isami, possibly you!
WHAT: A lost Shinsengumi commander in a Resistance Army camp
WHERE: Resistance Army camp
WARNING(S): Probably just bucketloads of angst.

[The first confusing thing that Kondou had noticed was that, well- he had woken up at all. Not to mention that on top of it, he had no idea where he was. Whether those that resided in the camp were friend or foe was something that he needed to find out before going any further. The tent he’d woken up in didn’t seem to be guarded, so he cautiously made his way outside to try and see if he could figure out what was going on.

… Which just meant that there was now a very confused man standing in the middle of camp. At the first sight of someone who he could approach for questions, Kondou made his way over.]

Ahh, I’m sorry to bother you with something so trivial, but…

Comments

[hakodate]

[He looks up from his tea again when he feels that hand on his shoulder, tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.

There are so many things he could say to Kondou - so many things he wants to put into words. About how Kondou is the most important thing in his life, about how he's felt lost since losing him, about how he keeps going because if he dies, the Shinsengumi dies, and Kondou's dream dies with them. About how he keeps going solely for that, about how he's promised that he won't die until the Shinsengumi does...but after that, he just doesn't know.

He doesn't say any of that.]

Thanks.

[conceded]

I ... am sorry.

[For everything. For leaving him with such a heavy burden when he already had so many other things to concern himself with, for not being a good leader, for not being able to support Hijikata when he needed it. When he had needed Kondou the most, Kondou had failed him. The Shinsengumi had started to fall apart, and so he'd made amends in the only way that he knew how.

He wanted Hijikata to be able to move on, even if it was without him.]

[hakodate]

[No. That's not even what he wants to hear. If anything, that's just worse.]

You don't ever owe me an apology, Kondou-san.

[He chose to support Kondou. He chose to let go of his own dream and entrust it to him, and support Kondou with everything he had. And he's never regretted any of that, not for a moment.

The only regrets Hijikata has are that he himself couldn't make things go right. Kondou, in his eyes, is blameless.]

[conceded]

You're as stubborn as ever. Strangely, I'm relieved to see it.

[He laughs weakly. To be honest, he doesn't feel particularly inclined to argue the point with Hijikata, even though he doesn't agree with him. Kondou believes that what he did was right, but that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about the effect that it likely had on his dearest friend.]

[hakodate]

Can't really get upset with you for wanting me to live without sounding like a total asshole, can I?

[His own laugh is just as weak, and so is the attempt at a joke - but it's true enough. All Hijikata wanted was to give Kondou everything. And when he was fully prepared to throw his life away and make a stand there so that Kondou can live on...he can't really judge his friend for wanting to do the same, can he?

He doesn't have to agree with it. But he can't judge it.]

[conceded]

... I think I can handle your temper. You can't be much worse than Souji's sister, you know.

[And they were both terrified of her. But Kondou is serious- if Hijikata wants to let his frustrations out, isn't now the best time to do so? It's not as though they have any time left to them in their own world, after all.

This might be the last chance that they have for anything.]

[hakodate]

Yelling at you is just going to make us both feel like shit.

[He'd done enough yelling before he agreed to leave him. It hadn't changed anything then, and it won't change anything now.

If anything, he just felt worse about it, when it was all over. That he'd lost his temper that badly in the first place, that he'd spent what would've been his last chance to speak to Kondou getting upset at him for - for wanting to save his life?

He sighs.]

...I'm not mad at you, Kondou-san.

[Mad at himself, yes. Mad at the officials who'd met his pleas with deaf ears, the people who he'd needed to help him get leniency for Kondou and who had failed, yes. Mad at the entire goddamned world for putting them in a situation where the only way out was for one of them to die, yes.

But even if he couldn't see it in the heat of the moment, couldn't accept that there was any reason why it should be Kondou to die there rather than him...

He understands what Kondou wanted, now. He'll never agree. He'll never think that Kondou didn't deserve to be the one who walked away.

But he understands.]

[conceded]

Even if you don't agree with what I did? I-- don't need you to agree. I just hope that you understand.

[ As long as he did, then that was the important thing to Kondou. Nothing else mattered as long as Hijikata understood that Kondou wanted for him to be safe, that he was hoping beyond hope that even without him around, Hijikata could move on and make something of himself.

That he could carry on both of their dreams. That he would succeed as commander where Kondou had failed. In the end, he knew that he'd lost sight of his ideals. The fact that the Shinsengumi had crumbled was perhaps evidence of that. ]

... I didn't think I'd ever get the opportunity to explain myself this way.

[hakodate]

You don't have to explain yourself to me. I understand.

[It's that sad, tired smile again, the one that says he's feeling too many things to know what else to do right now.]

Never going to agree with it. But I think I understand.

[conceded]

You're doing that "being reasonable" thing again, Toshi.

[ Don't think that he doesn't notice that expression, though. He finds himself reaching over to put his hand on Hijikata's shoulder. ]

I think you know me too well, after all this time. But that's what helps us work so well together.

[hakodate]

Reasonable, huh.

[He barks laughs weakly.]

Don't let Souji overhear that.

[conceded]

Souji?

[ Have a confused blink. ]

Did I miss something?

[hakodate]

Never mind.

[conceded]

... When you say that, Toshi, I have no choice but to worry.

[ REALLY, MAN. ]

[hakodate]

I was joking, Kondou-san.

[He does remember how. Really!

...it's only half a joke, as anything with Souji tends to be, but...well. Kondou.]

[conceded]

A... joke, Toshi?

[ is that even possible. ]

I should have been able to see right through that!

[hakodate]

[o kondou-san.]

Don't worry about it.

[conceded]

[ he's weeping on the inside. ]

I'll have to work on that.

[hakodate]

You're fine the way you are.

[conceded]

D-do you really think so, Toshi?

[ Toshi is noticing me...!! ]

[hakodate]

I've always thought so, Kondou-san.

[conceded]

I will have to try harder to make sure you are never disappointed, then.

[hakodate]

[That's exactly what he loves to see from Kondou - what he's missed. The optimism that's been dead in the water since Koshu-Katsunuma, the smile, the willingness to keep going and keep trying -

Kondou's happiness is Hijikata's happiness. Despite everything that's happened, despite not knowing how long they'll have in this place and knowing that if things ever go back to normal, he'll be alone again...he can't see Kondou looking so happy without feeling a weight lifted inside of him.]

[conceded]

[ Without Hijikata, Kondou wouldn't have the drive that he needed to keep going. If he's honest about it, his whole world hinges on him in a way that it doesn't when it comes to other people. The Shinsengumi are all important to him, but more important still is the man that helped him to push for all of it, the man who had been by his side for longer than he could remember and helped to prop him up when he felt as though he was failing.

(Though that last part happened far more than he cared to admit, these days.)

Being here with him again made everything worthwhile, and it was something that he was grateful for. Right now, if he had any say in the matter, even if they weren't together here for very long... he was going to make sure that Hijikata wasn't alone ever again. ]

You're looking tired, Toshi. Have you been taking care of yourself?

[hakodate]

[Hijikata? Taking care of himself? Perish the thought.]

I'm fine. I know my limits.

[It's only a half-truth. He has gotten a bit better about it here than he was at home; being but one part of a much larger and decently well organized force with no shortage of talented officers means he doesn't have as much riding on his shoulders as he did when he was one of the only experienced leaders the shogunate had left.

But even so, there's still plenty to be done here - for his own men, for making arrangements to get the army ready to deal with rasetsu and oni, or just because he happens to be there and it's faster to take care of it than to look for some other officer to deal with it - he's perhaps slowed down a touch from home, but he's far from slowing down to what anyone would consider a reasonable pace.]