[That gentle squeeze is met with a deathgrip - as if Hijikata's afraid that if he lets go, he'll lose him. Again.
(It isn't too far from the truth.)
The tears are still welling up in his eyes, but if there's one person in the world Hijikata can cry in front of, it's Kondou. Kondou is everything to him. He entrusted Kondou with his hopes, his dreams, his ambition. His life.
After all of that, what more is a few tears?
Still, the words are enough to prompt him to try to find a smile - sad, strained, as if it's a physical struggle to remember how to form the expression - but despite that, there's still something genuine in it.]
Haven't been. Can't afford to. Who'd want to follow a commander like that?
[Kondou was always the charisma, the magnetic personality that drew people in. The one people liked. Hijikata was the balance to that, by necessity - the enforcer, the one to make the unpopular decisions, the iron fist behind the velvet glove. The demon. But with Kondou gone, he's felt like half a leader, and the Shinsengumi deserves better than that.
Hijikata doesn't know if he can ever be that. But he's trying.]
no subject
(It isn't too far from the truth.)
The tears are still welling up in his eyes, but if there's one person in the world Hijikata can cry in front of, it's Kondou. Kondou is everything to him. He entrusted Kondou with his hopes, his dreams, his ambition. His life.
After all of that, what more is a few tears?
Still, the words are enough to prompt him to try to find a smile - sad, strained, as if it's a physical struggle to remember how to form the expression - but despite that, there's still something genuine in it.]
Haven't been. Can't afford to. Who'd want to follow a commander like that?
[Kondou was always the charisma, the magnetic personality that drew people in. The one people liked. Hijikata was the balance to that, by necessity - the enforcer, the one to make the unpopular decisions, the iron fist behind the velvet glove. The demon. But with Kondou gone, he's felt like half a leader, and the Shinsengumi deserves better than that.
Hijikata doesn't know if he can ever be that. But he's trying.]